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I'm past 40, a better decade for me definitely. It's the whole 50 thing that has me in its sights now.

Oh, Agnes, you have known so much loss already. I wish I could tell you it gets easier. And I wish I could tell you time slows down on the other side of 40, but I'm on the other side of 50 and it just seems to be flying by faster every day. But I will tell you that, despite the time-flying thing and increased chance of loss, every decade I enter seems like the best one ever. So perhaps love of life increases with time...?

I'm almost 55 and still miss my Dad. He passed away on June 27, 2003. He was a brilliant surgeon, a great husband and a wonderful Dad. On the day of his funeral, I was dressed in black but I painted my nails red because Dad loved them. I'll always miss him but life goes on! In my heart of hearts, I know he'd like me to get on with my life and be happy. I know I haven't disappointed him.

I'm so sorry to hear of your sadness on waking from your dream. It's awful to hear that your Aunt passed away so early. I hope your day gets better. I agree with you that time is absolutely flying by. Hugs!

The world always looks brighter from behind a smile ;)
Beautiful flowers and beautiful you!

The other side of 40 has been wonderful and creative and adventurous for me, I am sure it will be for you too.

You get to have Geoff every now and then come back to visit, it's a good thing, though sad to wake up from I am sure.

I am glad my Agnes (that's you, the only Agnes I know) is alive and well. It makes me happy, as it always has.

Those dreams are so hard to wake up from. But, I always figure at least the dreams keep the memories strong.

On the plus side, the otehr side of 40 is full of joy and wonder as well. It's all good :)

I don't even know what to say, I just want to hug you so bad. I can't imagine losing my husband. Sending you lots of e-love!!!

Those dreams just prove that he is still in your heart!. Nothing wrong w/that.. believe me...

Hugz dear! Fascinating dreams....and a profound last para....don't worry about either side of 40...it's all going to be great....live in the moment!

i have heard that those who have passed over can visit us through our dreams. the timing of your dream on all souls day is very powerful, as are the traditions of your childhood at your aunt's grave. the veil thins now, creating the opportunity to connect with those on the other side. sending many blessings and wishes of comfort at the loss of your loved ones.

What a lovely and interesting dream and such sadness. Your writing about these things is direct and beautiful.

Yes...here it is Thanksgiving again. And there are so many thanks to give. Certainly, I want to thank you for your support and advice(s). And for your friendship. And for the heartelt communication you share with us via your posts (and it goes without saying that your pics are, wonderful).

Now, as regards the other side of 40, well, its rigged up so that what you lose in physicality you gain in spirituality. There is a certain "wiseness" that one ONLY can get from age (experience?). Would I trade it for youth? hmmmmm, probably but I sure would miss the perspective of, well, let's call it altitude. (When one is in altitude, one can see further, less obstruction, more to see).

In any case, Agnes, your beauty never fades and we see it in your posts.

Thanks-----for Giving.

Thank you so much for the mention, but I'm sorry I was part of a sad dream. Wow, I can't believe the dream took place in Sweden! One of my best friends from HS has lived there for 22 years and she and I just met in Malaga, Spain about 6 months ago :)I'm not sure if you just celebrated a birthday? Happy birthday if you did...hard to believe you are 40 if that's the case :) Someone said something to me that really helped: "It's a blessing, not everyone makes it that far".
Beautiful post as always!

@Michelle: It was a good dream, so good I didn't want to wake up!
No I didn't just celebrate a birthday and am not 40 yet... getting awfully close though!!!


Aloha from Waikiki, Friend
Comfort Spiral

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There are threads connecting everything in your posting.

November 1st. Your picture with flowers. Your childhood visits to the cemetery. Your leaving flowers on your Aunt Agnes's grave. Your dreams of Geoff. Your not wanting to wake up from the dreams....

I think I understand. And I'm sorry, Agnes.

Although I've visited your blog many times I don't think I know your Geoff story. Sounds very sad. I found going over 50 a big change but not bad. Now I'm coming up on the next decade digit. They are just numbers. It's the life events that matter and of course not all are joyful or wanted.

Not sure what exactly to say here. So I'll say: hang in there, and stop counting. :D
The last bit of your post gave me the chills too.

Agnes, I can tell you how it is on the far side of 40 plus 40. :-)

Life goes on – albeit at a slower pace. Good days and bad days, as ever. But I find comfort from a loving family and satisfaction in completing successfully a writing project I have set myself.

I still, from time to time, dream of my wife, who died 25 years ago. And I am sad when I wake up. So I remind myself that what is just is. That this is not a manuscript that can be rewritten nor a play that can be reworked to change the plot. This is my story as it is happening. This is my life.

Awwww Agnes... love is eternal and even more so when its pure, deep and true. A very beautiful and heartwarming post.

Hi Agnes,
I too have am lucky enough to dream about someone who was very near and dear to me. At one point in my life I used to go to bed and almost pray that I would have such dreams. I still dream the same occasionally where everything is just so real and I am so happy again, until the morning. After all this time now..I'm just not so convinced that they're just dreams any more.

I hope your day improves Agnes,
and turns out to be pretty awesome

Gary xox

You have a way with words....I wouldn't want to wake up either. I'll be thinking of you today (((hugs)))

What are you talking about the wrong side of forty? The forties and the fifties and the sixties are fantastic years. You're a mench. You've arrived. You're finally dry behind the ears and you look great and most importantly you're wise to the ways of the world. In the sixties, DNA starts popping up with what I call the physical nudgies. In the seventies, everybody starts moaning whenever they stand up. We try to moan in unison. When that's accomplished it's followed by lots of laughter. Dear Agnes enjoy each year.

Every loved one who has died in my life has come to visit me in dreams. I wake up liking those dreams. Spending dream time with my dad, my brother, my two best girlfriends is pleasant and I wake up feeling satisfied by their visit. Oddly enough, my mom has never showed up. Dreaming about Geoff is great. You had a great love. Un abratzo grande (a big hug, I hope I wrote).

Oh Agnes, I am so moved by this! I can't help thinking that maybe we are all in transit at all times, but then we meet and connect in this crazy time-space thing called LIFE and share beautiful moments and experiences that we carry with us, on our individual paths.

Your journey is still unwritten and I have a feeling the next chapter in your life is going to bring amazing insights and peace, if you let it.

And you are welcome to Sweden for fondue and tea with brandy anytime!! :)

Love & Light!

As they always say, the wrong side of any decade is better than the alternative. So sad about your aunt that you never knew. I had one I didn't know, who died when she was young from leukemia. A few years ago, my grandma was cleaning out things and I was helping and there were so many pictures of Martha from her three short years in the mid-1940s. My dad would have been about 11 when she died and my uncle four years from birth...

I am so shifted by this! I can't help considering that maybe we are all on the road at all periods, but then we fulfill and link in this insane time-space factor known as LIFE and discuss wonderful minutes and encounters that we bring with us, on our personal routes.

@Helen: A lot of Swedish dreams here lately, courtesy of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. There is a recurring home in my dreams, my favorite home in the whole world. I don't know where it is, but I think it may be in Sweden.

That is why your name?

@Anu: Yes, I was named after her.

@FINE ARTS INSTITUTES AHMEDABAD: Huh? Did you run Helen's comment through some thesaurus app or something...? I don't get it.

wow such a sad story. I'm sorry you never knew your aunt. I think 40s for you will be great :)

On the subject of age, Agnes, I liked a quote from Angela Lansbury in an interview I read today. At 87, she recently finished a Broadway run in The Best Man and is shortly to go on tour in Driving Miss Daisy. She said she would rather be on stage than off, adding: "You want to keep the engine running and not relax too much."

As a writer (of some years), I hold to the same thinking.

Hugs and Happy Thanksgiving, Agnes! And, you are not aging at all. I have a couple of years to go before
I touch the right or the wrong side of 40! I guess I will take pride in the hard earned wrinkles :).

I love the post Agnes...the dream, the wistfulness, ur aunts story and the picture where both you & the flowers look gorgeous:-)).

As always you use few words yet paint a picture with so much depth. Happy Thanksgiving!!!

I cannot believe my luck, when I sign in at 3 am here not being able to go bk to sleep after my lil boy woke me up, see your update and click knowing the result was gonna be "page cannot be displayed"...but no!

Your page loads, and I can finally get to read you after months! Today is a good day. Yeah.

Wrong side of forties. You know when I crossed over to the twenties, instead of feeling the dread I was waiting for, I felt great. And it just got better and better. I am sure the thirties and the forties and the fifties are all gonna be the same way. Its all in the head.

Sometimes when I dream of my granny, who's been gone since a few years now, and I wake up, its as if she is there, standing right next to me, watching me, probably smiling, and hoping that I know that she's in a good place and that she's watching over me. Surreal.

Cannot stop laughing at Fine Arts Insti Ahmd's comment!! Rofl. Yup, Thesaurus is it A. :D

I can only imagine how hard it is to wake up from those dreams. And wow, yes, that story is chilling!

www.visitstockholm.com ;-)

40 is the new 30, or is it 20? Either way, its not the years in your life, but the life in your years.

Stay strong Agnes. You are one of the bravest women I know. You look gorgeous .. as fresh and bright as those flowers!!

Oh that was so poignant and so sad. Dreams are the musings of our soul. I know how hard it must have been for you to wake up from that dream. And I know how sometimes you're dreaming and know that you're dreaming and wake up lost, your mind still living in the past for those few minutes before you're fully awake. This was a wonderful post Agnes. It got me thinking a lot.

life doesn't start till your 50.
I believe when we dream of a person we are meant to pray for them....just like when we wake up in the middle of the night for no reason..they are reminding us to pray.


I love love LOVE November! and girl, it's only a matter of time until I break out the Christmas music. Quite suiesprd I haven't already And I'm so bad about the clothes thing. I try them on and then don't hang them back up and eventually half of my clothes are on my closet floor NOT a good habit Have a great week!

I loved reading your post Agnes - and the comments made great reading too. I LOVE the name Agnes - my Aunty Ag. (as we called her) lived 'til she was in her late 80's. I have dreams of my dearly loved Dad - he died when I was 15 - and they are very unsettling in that I dream he is back with us, but only 1/4 of the man he was - kind of pale, sickly and worst of all, apathetic. He doesn't care about us, there is no affinity or empathy. I wake up glad that he was not the kind of Dad as portrayed in my dreams, but completely connected and vital, as unlike the pale imitation I dream about as it is possible to be. I sense him with me in other ways (thankfully). It's been 44 years and I still miss him terribly. As for age - I find it hard to think of myself as nearly 60 (only 7 months until my 60th now). I have to keep reminding myself how 'old' I am. Time speeds up and slows down all at the same time. It's quite a ride! I'm happy to be the age I am, but sometimes feel let down (betrayed?) by my body, that's all. Thanks for the lovely post. Sleep well, dream well, keep Geoff alive in your heart and stay as lovely as you are.

A touchy post but here's something that will make you feel better...you look nowhere close to 40 :)

You have said it right.
The other side is the best side :-)
About Agnes, you have described the whole incident in the shortest possible way but it gives the full impact.
Some things happen in life that leaves a mark for a long time.
Like this one:

@Shalmalee: That's good -- after all I am not 40 yet :-)
@Kay: Thanks so much for your comment -- it's so beautiful.

Hugs Agnes, you are one strong lady. I have learnt so many small things by just reading your blog. Stay blessed :)

Wow A ~ this blogpost touched my soul. Lots of things actually. First of all - 40's are the best!! xo I got married at 40 and a new chapter in my life began. Each decade is a book to tell. totally different and full of experiences. It's true what they say about "coming into your own" in your 40's. I am blessed to know what really matters most...... I'm grateful beyond belief for the memories i have to cherish and the losses I have to experience - for without them I would not know. Besides, we don't really die you know. How beautiful that Geoff came to visit you on this day.
Much love to you Agnes. We may not know each other in person but I have to say I feel like we are connected somehow.

Hugs and love to you this Holiday season..... sending you some comfort!

Your virtual friend,

Where can I go for european travel... I would love to do something like this! I absolutely love to travel!

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